Warning Long post, about a recent experience with spirit medicines. And potentially the most vulnerable writing of my life so far.
So I got my ass handed to me on a universal level on a recent exploration with spirit medicine. And I mean absolutely handed to me. Think the movie exorcism, yep, scary deep shit. I’d say the most cathartic experience of my life to date. It was like I was purging lifetimes of deep, deep wounds. Wounds passed down from personal experiences, ancestors experiences and God knows what else. At one stage I was hearing strange alien-like language leaving the lips of the body that I was no longer in – not that I know what Alien language sounds like…
I know, crazy, and if you’ve never ventured or been interested in these ancient medicines you may think of it as dangerous and stupid. Perhaps. But the breakthroughs such medicines are having in science is staggering, and personal stories of transformation mind blowing. But that’s just me trying to convince you of my sanity and merits of such practices.
Before I share further details of this journey into the realm beyond matter, I’ll share my intention for context. You see I believe we are nothing but the energy of life, a soul contained in the human nervous system which is like a conduit for the expression of said energy. And the energy is pure. It is our conduit which gets condensed with gunk, from our stressors, beliefs and stories that rob the flow of energy until we see it only as the mental story of “I am Rich”. Yep, from universal energy to the human egoic narrative. Crazy I know….
So my intention for this journey was to further clear the bonded fragments of gunk from my conduit so that I can have a deeper experience and expression of life and love. Deep right.
Back to the story.
So shortly after ingesting the particular medicine, my body was having uncontrollable tremors, wild and crazy. Just waves after waves of violent shaking, to the point of feeling like I was about to explode into the entire universe as a fragments of Rich. Have you seen those machines where you put your ankles on, and it shakes you? It was like that, but like some invisible force grabbed my head and feet and charged the voltage to redline. And yes, I wanted it to stop, at least the remnants of the ego of Rich that was clutching to the edge of the precipice for dear life did. But I kept hearing the deeper whisper, surrender and trust. Surrender and trust. You are here to do the work.
And that I did.
At one stage I felt the surrender pulling me into all that I’ve been hiding from in the corners of my mind. All my fears, insecurities magnified yet without content. And I’ve been working on uncovering this stuff for over 20 years. I’ve done most things. From books, programs, Tony Robbins, NLP, Therapists, Coaches, plant medicines, breath work, meditation (thousands of hours, with periods of 14 hours a day of deep meditation), so I’ve shed loads of skin along the way – says the ego….Yet I know there’s still the shadows, the judgements, the little Rich inside playing safe and secure thanks to biological evolution.
But this day, beyond any medicines I’ve worked with and work I have done, egoic intellect was blown away, for the most part Rich was no longer there. But when I’d flicker back in as Rich it felt like the universe was toying with me, like a cat playing with a little scared mouse. Now despite my intellect being blasted, the crazy thing was my awareness was there throughout the entire journey. Despite my wishes to be swept away into the safety of unconsciousness…
As the journey got incredibly crazy. The best way for me to describe it was like a psychic exorcism on a grand scale.
At some stage during the “shakedown” my voice decided to join the party.
For a long time I’ve struggled to share my voice, my power, my truth. So of course why not, let’s bring all that into this crazy ass storm as well. It started with just moans to try and aid me through the process, a thinly veiled attempt to rescue the remains of my sanity. These moans however soon cascaded into full on screams. Primal screams filled with rage.
Ah say what Rich, Rage, aren’t you a chilled meditation teacher?
Well, safe to say, during this trip down lifetimes lane, we met an aspect of Rich that was far from chilled. In fact this rage felt like it was a torrent that ran through my lineage. The male lineage. With anger that was soooo deep, so locked away in the dungeons that it has not seen the light of day for a long time. And I’d go as far to say this anger was like the pure power of destruction.
And when I had that conscious realisation during my total unabandoned surrender to anger I became Shiva – God of destruction. And fuck me it felt so fucking powerful, I felt I could pull apart the very universe. And indeed I was. My universe. Breaking down everything, ripping it to shreds, body and mind, now for the visuals, picture me lying on my back, ripping holes in the universe with my arms flailing wildly as I rip and tear at the invisible. While screaming with pure power. It was a fucking galactic war for the ages.
A quick intermission to let you know that while I was in this state, there were the Shamans holding space for me and 5 other souls witnessing (some waiting their turn.. poor them) while I was on my solo mission, And for the most part their journeys had sounded more like making love to God, than the my personal universe being ripped apart by the God of destruction.
Anyway back to the story at hand…
Now once Rich’s little world was destroyed I then turned into pure masculine energy. Fucking so raw. So powerful. So real. Pure masculine. I’ve spent a long time wondering what the fuck is it to be a man. What is the masculine. Beyond the game of playing male, you know “I am Rich, a man, a dad, I teach meditation, I love my wife and kids and story, story, story…:” Important, but all mind.
So, for the first time beyond any aspect of conscious intellect I felt the masculine in its most pure unedited state. So so primal, powerful and embodied.
Then a ferocious roar broke from my lips, which felt like a wild powerful unhinged bear. And fuck did it feel good to release it. This roar had been lying dormant for many lifetimes. It was a roar from the depths of my soul, the depths of my lineage and the depths of the human lineage. A roar from the collective pain, coupled with the pain of mother nature, all funneled and magnified into the vocal box of my nervous system.
Then the wave would again abate and I was nurtured fleetingly in unboundedness, kinda like a kid with floaties on, in the most pristine ocean of love. Not totally submerged. Just bobbing at the surface (oh how I would have loved to rip those floaties off). This was such a welcome respite from the storms I was moving through. However it was brief.
As another wave would start to build, it would start with my right hand slightly flickering, then shaking and build and build until it was a full bloom category 5 cyclone. Ahhhhhh trust and surrender… AHHHHH. Then again the next wave would abate and I’d feel like crying, begging, wiping the sweat from my head, hoping to fall headlong into the pure bliss I’d come to experience, such as my previous journey with this particular medicine. Sorry Rich. Not this time. Just a temporary rest on the surface. Ah cycles within cycles within cycles.
I felt lifetimes and lifetimes of holding on, begging me to get off this ride, starting to erode under me. The fragile egg shell mind, shattering as each tremor started to rise. HELP… trust and surrender Rich. More shaking, moaning, screaming.
You are here for this.
“Well this wasn’t in the fucking brochure was it.”
Oh Rich ever so funny, hiding behind your shield of humorous comments. Shut up and do the work.. And gone again into the abyss…. Headlong.
All the while the Shaman sang. Songs of love, songs of truth. Your song, my song. Our song. Experience who you truly are Rich. Being. Pure love. Being. Pure. Come back to love.
While I would slip and slide out of chaos, destruction, love, chaos and destruction, she sang, holding the container safe for my journey.
And slowly as with any storm, no matter the size nor the destruction left, it all passes. As did this one. And out of destruction comes creation. Pure creation. And eventually all waves passed, the clouds rolled out to sea. And I lay there, washed up on the beach, spent, psychically lifeless, yet so alive. I had been holding the power without the conduit as it sent high powered voltages through my lifelines.
With my nervous system coming back into the physical realm, I was urged by the Shaman down to the creek. To bathe and be renewed, in the running waters of mother earth, reborn if you wish. An ablution. And God did I feel amazing. Powerful, pure and incredibly renewed. Shocked, yes. But renewed from the crazy ride.
And this was a ride I knew I had to take. Yet I do wonder, if I had known that I would spend 3 sessions at about 20-30 minutes each in the above states in one day would I have partook?
Hmm it is a tough question.
But if I was told it was going to release decades, potentially lifetimes of the unseen stresses, clearing energy from stagnant deep wells within my body and mind, then I’d think I would say yes.
Can I come back to you… that sounds really fucking scary.
Okay shit yeah sign me up.
I’m here to evolve and if truly want to follow charm and grow, I’ve got to do the hard work. I want love to flow in my life, as Ram Dass said with a quiet mind and open heart. And in order to be love on all levels, I’ve got to shed the shadows. I cannot change the stories, but I sure as shit can release the stresses that rob us and clog the conduit from our full expression.
Now you may wonder, why would a meditation teacher embark on such a journey. Is meditation not enough?
Well, I guess it depends on who you’d ask. But since this was my hypothetical question , I will give you my answer. Yes and no.
For me it is not. As otherwise I would not have embarked. For some it is a yes. And we have seen the roadmap for those great teachers that arrive at complete states of love, joy and pure pure life, from devoting their life to the arts of Yoga (not the postures…. Yoga means union) via such practices as meditation.
But for me, I know these ancient technologies both spirit medicine and meditation have their place. While meditation has and until I totally am living in Being (where no more accumulation of stress is possible) will be my daily priority. And thankfully both these practices are taking their place on the mantelpiece of our collective consciousness in this modern world. And rightfully so.
So Spirit medicines for me are only for occasions when I feel deeply called to them. They are in no way a recreational experience. They are where I go and go way beyond the tip of the iceberg and shatter further illusory patterns that I create with my ego which creates a world of separation, that potentially I am blinded too (as there is no hiding in that space). I liken it to years of meditation release condensed into a short incredibly powerful experience. Like rounding on steroids.
Yet the caveat to this for me is you must have a deep daily practice to make any such journey safe and life changing. Also to have a framework for these experiences. As these medicines can take us to the summit (or the crevasses) however they also drop us back down to the bottom. Showing us the unbounded true nature of self beyond the fragile ego, and occasionally totally shattering it. And once back to our bodies and identity with the revelations of life behind the curtains we need to be able to incorporate these learning’s into our life. And importantly get grounded.
As life is what happens every day. And the magic of life is also in the mundane as well as the mystical. So we need to cultivate ways to rid the daily stresses, deepen our connection to self, increase our consciousness, be more loving and kind and to see that right now the world needs us to step up. Or as per my intention, rid the fragments from the conduit so the energy of who and what you are displays its full glory. For you, your family and for a collective overhaul.
So I why did I share this story, when it will obviously challenge perceptions of me. Well another good question, but from deep down, there was a compulsion to share, from the Vedic philosophy it’s called the finer level of feeling. And also this is my truth, my stepping out and owning who I am and what I am here to do in this world. Learn, share, face our fears, love, teach and create.
Do I encourage or recommend all to embark on such experiences?
No. Not in the slightest.
Like meditation. We do not need everyone on the planet meditating (would be great if they did though). According to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (the master teacher/Guru/legend/Yoda like guy who brought the technique I teach to the west) we only need 1% of the planet meditating to stimulate global transformations. So the ripple effect of the what some do can influence the many.
Also so many of us do not feel in any way called to embark on these journeys. However there are those that do. And if that is you, I suggest only ever with the right intention, in the right setting and with the right people holding space. And with total reverence, trust and surrender!
Finally perhaps with all the crazy shit going on right now, we’ve got Shiva (the force of destruction/remover of irrelevancy) behind the scenes just having a wonderful time. Sowing seeds of dissent (from old trusted models) and mass collective destruction so that we can finally awaken from outdated paradigms and into a new dawn for humanity, not one run by greed and fear but love, creativity and evolution. Gosh that sounds a little idealistic, I know. But heck, I’m all for it.
Well, if you made it this far I tip my hat to you. And to that go deep as that is where you find the bliss!
Until next time much love